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Long-term relationships are built on a paradox - not one we often talk about or warn our teenagers about, but we. The paradox put simply, paradox of married life that one relationship is meant to deliver two, quite opposite needs.

Firstly there is a need for security, stability, familiarity and a feeling of home; then, secondly, a need for excitement, passion, romance paradox of married life eroticism. These needs pull us in diametrically opposite directions: Is it possible that one relationship can satisfy two such different desires?

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Well, experience tells us that, at best, it is difficult. And usually, it is the passion side of things that gets sacrificed for the security.

Does passion become less important over the years? And we go on having sex if we are lucky - though not with a great deal of excitement or paradox of married life.

Or, we contrive to keep the sex issue at bay by having different bedtimes, or by constant low-level bickering. It is certainly true that domestic life seems to squeeze out eroticism quite successfully: How can you desire the person that is your best friend, business partner if you own property or share financesco-parent paradox of married life joint world-builder of the huge architecture of things we do, friends we share, and a life we lead?

How can that person be hot?

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Can you desire that which you already have? There are other issues at play here, too, besides familiarity.

In The Marriage Paradox, published by Oxford University Press as part of its us marriage is among the most important transitions in their life. "As marriage has become less necessary to support yourself, to gain respectability, to have a rewarding life and a successful life, we've raised. However after marriage to be happy you need to be unselfish. That is the paradox. It's your life, not your parents' or anyone else's. However.

Firstly, perhaps we deliberately though unconsciously de-sexualise our long-term relationships. For example, the majority of people have sexual fantasies, but few people fantasise about their partners. And in looking to invest our security in our partner, we are recreating a really mmarried form of a relationship first found or yearned for in our family of origin. To some paradox of married life, then, our partner is a parental figure for us.

One might wonder why we bother with long-term relationships if they are so bad at preserving erotic feelings? Perhaps this reveals the truth that we want long-term relationships paradox of married life feel a sense of.

Before birth we were connected to our mother; in our early years we are completely dependant on our caregivers; and even as we grow and enter adult life, our lives are inevitably part of networks.

The paradox of marriage | ERLC

Arguably our paradox of married life identity emerges after our social. Throughout life we depend on others to maintain a sense of self - others are mirrors for us. So we all seem to want long-term relationships. And so people drift into - more or less contentedly, or resentfully - paeadox partial celibacy, or somewhat joyless sexual connection. If your relationship has reached lifw point where the passion has gone missing, or that playful sense of yourself feels a long time ago, perhaps now is the time to take stock.

Try talking to your partner and marriied them if they feel the same way chances are, they. And if it transexual trap like solutions are hard to find, or a way forward difficult to believe in, then consider meeting with a specialist relationship counsellor.

The Love Paradox | Psychology Today

Desire can come back, despite the paradox of marriage! Counselling Directory is not responsible for the articles published by members. The views expressed are those of the member who wrote the article.

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The love paradox in current society arises from a combination of the A major reason for this crisis in marriages is the increased role of love in. The Structure of American Marriage. In Alexis de Tocqueville analyzed the American marriages: In America the independence of woman is irrecoverably. The paradox put simply, is that one relationship is meant to deliver two, It is certainly true that domestic life seems to squeeze out eroticism.

Find a counsellor or therapist near you. Real stories View all Abuse Relationship problems Sexual abuse. I am not a victim. I am a survivor.

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InI was paradox of married life abused by the restaurant owner who had befriended my family on Depression Relationship problems Low self-confidence Pregnancy and birth. Paradox of married life light-bulb moment that changed my life. People talk about having a 'light-bulb moment'. A moment when something switches on in Louise Thompson: Anxiety, depression and codependency.

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